I am travelling down my memory lane with an intent to bring hope and positivity in the lives of women facing struggles in their journey to motherhood. I would be happy if this makes a difference in even one person.
After many months of marital bliss, the day came when the home pregnancy kit showed 2 lines. Our happiness knew no bounds. We were just waiting for the clock to tick 6 AM to call our parents and break the news. We had to hold ourselves just to avoid panicking them by giving a call at wee hours. We were so delighted that the smile was intact all through the day.
There were minor complications that surfaced in 2nd month and later in the 3rd month, the heartbeat of the fetus stopped. We were shocked and disheartened but we recuperated quickly thinking “Whatever happened is for our good. If the baby survives with a weak heart and suffers in his/her life, the magnitude of pain that we would have suffered would be way higher than our current state. The baby was saved from all those sufferings“. We expressed our gratitude to God and channelized our energy in a positive direction. At this stage, we were made aware of very tiny fibroids present in my uterus but that was not a matter of concern.
Months rolled by and I became pregnant for the second time. The journey was relatively smooth but for the fact that the fibroids started growing as the baby grew in the womb. We crossed our first trimester and happiness filled our lives. Every time I went for regular check-up and get to hear the heartbeat, I felt so thrilled that my lips always said “I love you“. The heartbeat was so distinct and loud that I was looking forward for my next visit just to hear the lub-dub.
In our second trimester, the baby grew healthy meeting all the requirements and the nourishment also helped the fibroids grow proportionately. There was a huge fibroid outside the uterus and multiple smaller fibroids inside. During the 5th month, we decided that I would take mini break from work to get more rest as per doctor’s advice. During this period, I read a lot of spiritual books and also watched the old episodes of “Sarabhai vs. Sarabhai”. I was keeping myself engaged and happy until one morning I woke up to face water breaking. I was rushed to the hospital only to be informed that there is no water remaining and the pregnancy had to be terminated. When they checked, the heartbeat was still loud & clear and I was invariably saying “I love you” to the little warrior who was still trying his best. I was given injection to induce labor pain. After hours of labor pain, my little warrior came out through normal delivery. It was just that I was unfortunate as I was not allowed to see him.
Ironically, during the delivery process, there were only two nurses along with me who were busy doing some preparations and chatting that the onus of pushing the baby out was left on me. Whilst they might have thought that the baby is anyways dead, what they failed to see is the emotional turmoil a mother is undergoing along with the pain of pushing harder every time. Pushing with a hope to hold the baby in your arms is way different than pushing when you know that the baby is no more and the last heartbeat you listened keeps ringing in your ears. The doctor was called upon after the baby came out to help complete the procedure. The agony was not yet over as they had to press upon the uterus and the already sensitive huge fibroid to remove the remains and to avoid D&C. Every time they pressed on the fibroid, it caused intense pain which felt to be as bad as the labor pain that just got over. Alas, in spite of all this, I ended up having D&C later.
It was tougher to get over this as the mere thought that my little warrior was trying hard to stay alive but I couldn’t do much to help him literally shattered me. In both the miscarriages, I took the minimal rest advised and engrossed myself at work to help me overcome that phase. Fortunately, I had new roles to perform when I resumed my workplace which enabled me to be busy. Further, shortly after the second miscarriage, we travelled to Mahabaleshwar to help us get a change in place and avoid recollecting the past over and over again.
Emotionally, it is natural to get trapped in the storm of thoughts and re-live the past. However, life has to move on and we cannot remain stuck.
As fibroid was the villain, we decided to get it removed before planning for the next pregnancy. As it was really huge, doctor advised for an “open surgery” wherein the process would be akin to C-section just that we had fibroid coming out instead of the baby. In addition to the fibroid on exterior side, they also scooped out smaller fibroids that were inside.
By now, I had undergone the experience of natural delivery and C-section but sans a baby
We were now relieved thinking that we have addressed the root cause and we will have no more struggles. However, I started developing periodic acute pain in uterus immediately after discharge from the hospital. The doctor dismissed it stating it would subside over time. However, the pain continued and I could now infer that it lasts for few hours and continued till I excrete. That is when I could realize that bowel starts functioning hours before the actual excretion. This inference couldn’t take us any further as the multiple tests and sonography did not highlight what was causing the problem. Hence, for more than a year I used to have intense pain in uterus for hours every single day which would wake me up from deep sleep some days and in certain days test my resilience in office in the middle of a meeting.
In the meantime, we also decided to plan for a baby. Unlike the past wherein I got pregnant quickly, it got delayed this time. We finally consulted a specialist who informed that there were adhesions in the uterus as a result of the earlier open surgery and the same needs to be removed. The moment she said surgery, I highlighted about the ongoing acute pain with a thought that if nothing surfaced from external examination, some clarity should atleast come when they perform this procedure. Finally, it was discovered that a portion of the uterus was stuck to the bowel which was causing this pain. Yippie…. Finally the pain is gone after more than a year.
This pain definitely helped me appreciate the functioning of our body and be grateful for all that it does
The doctors now suggested IUI and it was followed by couple of more laparoscopic surgeries to remove adhesions and 2 failed IVF. The entire process of IUI & IVF were loaded with medicines and it was physically & mentally exhausting. In this process, we got to know that one of the fallopian tube was completely damaged in the 1 year+ duration wherein the uterus was stuck to the bowel. This means egg cannot travel through this fallopian tube thereby reducing the chances of getting pregnant by 50%. This further got complicated as my endometrial thickness was not even as there were gaps in the lining from where the fibroids were earlier scooped out. To top this, doctors said that my egg quality was not good thereby concluding there is no way I can naturally or otherwise get pregnant any time. I was provided with a report stating that I was infertile.
It was traumatic to accept the tag of “Infertile” after two miscarriages and all that we had undergone for all these years. Whilst I channelized my energy on productive and positive aspects at work and home, there were still some days where things go beyond my control and I end up having an emotional outburst. There was a huge vacuum within which cannot be expressed in words.
The friendship that we still kept alive in our relationship as husband-wife is what helped us sail through this tough phase.
We resorted to Ayurveda to set right the hormonal imbalances and to regularize the body. It helped me for sure. However, beyond a point, I stopped even this medication as by now, I had reached a threshold wherein I no longer wanted to be under any sort of medication. Months rolled by and we eventually moved on in life but I still had sporadic emotional outbursts.
Every time we fall, we consciously picked ourselves up and ensured we don’t let our smile fade away due to what has happened and cannot be reverted. Life has to move on and there would be better things in store for us.
My husband initiated adoption formalities to overcome the voidness and we as a couple were engaged in carrying out the initial formalities. Strangely, there was something within me that kept saying wait for some more time and coincidentally we had continuous bottlenecks in the initial registration as well. I requested my husband to hold on for few months which he felt difficult to comprehend as medically I cannot have a natural pregnancy and I am holding up this adoption process as well whilst we still continued to feel the voidness within us. However, my instincts were stronger than ever before.
I surrendered myself to the Universe completely. This instilled a state of calmness within me. Finally, the day arrived and I was pregnant naturally. This time it was happiness and fear with which we started the journey. My partner was clear that he would be emotionally detached in this process. I really respected that decision as for the path that we had travelled, if one of us is neutral, then they would be in a position to lift the other person in case of adversities. It cannot be a mother as she has to be emotionally connected with the child and be fully positive.
His determination of being emotionally detached lasted only till the time he felt the first kick. The little champ kicked open the bountiful love that he had locked in his heart. From that day onwards, we had our family time every night wherein we would speak to our little champ who would respond it through kicks.
It was definitely not a smooth pregnancy as we had complications all way through and was admitted in hospital multiple times. In fact, I was in hospital even the day before my baby shower. Every time I got hospitalized, I assured myself and the baby that we are safe, protected and would sail through this smoothly. All these pain seem insignificant as my little champ was growing hale and healthy. We were blessed with a baby boy and for me it is a divine blessings after 7 years.
There is always a ray of hope and your inner self would guide you. The miracle unfolds or the path gets clearer when you “completely” surrender yourself to the Universe. It took me a while to reach this state.
It is easy to be engulfed in pain and happens naturally but the onus is completely on us to pull ourselves up and channelize our attention on the positive aspects of life. This helped me sail through everything and face life with a smile in such a way that most of my colleagues, friends & relatives are unaware of what I have gone through as I have never let the smile fade away.
I did have my share of outbursts where I let the tears flow. It helped in acknowledging the pain that was hidden deep within and to let go. To acknowledge, let go and take a step forward is the key.
Stay blessed. Life is indeed beautiful and all your desires turn into reality in its own divine timing. We just need to keep moving forward.
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